Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Wednesday Funny

 

 

 

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

********************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."

******************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*********************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

ONE DAY CLOSER TO OUR DREAM

4 comments:

Sue and Doug said...

those were good ones!..great irish humour!!

Phyllis said...

Gotta love the Irish.

Reminds me. Our first day there we found a bank in a small town as we needed to exchange dollars to pounds. There was a very small parking lot behind the bank which set right on the road with no parking in front of it.

There was what appeared to be a parking attendant standing there. Leonard asked him if it was okay for us to park in the lot while we went into the bank. He replied in his Irish brough - "I've like to let ya park here Yank, but me boss would cut off me nuts." OPPS! that's okay, didn't want to be responsible for that for sure.

Levonne said...

And a tip of the morning to ya!

Miss Lazee said...

Great belly laughs!

Laughing out loud!

Sharon